Sorry I've been on a bit of a hiatus. First it was Thanksgiving, and then all the rush of getting ready for Christmas (even though it's only December 8), but I'm ready to settle down a little.
This post may seem sort of vague for some of you, but bear with me. It's cathartic for me, and maybe you'll find a nugget of truth somewhere in here for you.
Have you ever been in one of those spots where people say to you: "Just trust in God's timing" or "God has a plan for this"? Have you ever thought to yourself, when someone has said those things to you--"Frankly, I can't think of a plan that could ever explain this or make this situation make sense!"
I'm in that spot right now. I would I could tell you that I've been all pious and holy and saying, "That's ok, God. I know You have a better plan for me life", but I haven't. I'll be nakedly honest with you. The first day of this situation, I sat, pretty sullenly, through an awesome service at church. I wasn't angry with God, but I just felt kind of blank. I didn't try to connect with Him at all. It's hard to offer up your heart to someone when you feel like they've betrayed your trust. I trusted God for something and things didn't turn out my way. My way. 'Cause my way's the best, dontcha know.
Slowly, I'm coming to a place where I can at least say, "Ok, God. You must have something different planned, and I can't wait to see it", because as terrible as it is to feel like God has betrayed you, it's an even worse feeling to go through something awful without Him. Even if you have all of your earthly family and friends rallying around you, it's lonely without your Father. What I mean by that is not that He isn't there, but that I ignore Him because I feel betrayed. What a relief to turn around and run into His arms, weeping as your heart breaks, but resting in the peace that only He can give.
Ultimately, He says that His thoughts are not ours and His ways are not ours--they are better and higher (Isaiah 55:8-9). Even if I don't understand that, I cling to it--white knuckled and breathless, I cling to it.
God, I don't understand Your ways, but I will give You my soul, give You all of my praise.