Sunday, January 23, 2011

I wish I could tell you why...

On November 30, I started writing a post to announce that I was pregnant with baby #2. Two days later, before I was finished typing it up, I had a very early miscarriage. On January 10, I started writing another blog entry (that I was going to post at a later time) announcing that I was once again, pregnant. Three days after that, I began to miscarry again. So that's why, if you didn't already know, all the cryptic talk about going through hard times and believing God anyway.

I don't know why this is happening. Frankly, I don't care, because it wouldn't take away my hurt. I know God will bring something good out of this at some point, but in the here and now--I can't even begin to guess. Reading back over this, I sound really angry. I'm not, though. I'm just sad.

Here are the thoughts of the human, fleshly, physical me:

I am in a funk. I want to spend my time at my house, with my baby (and my hubby, when he's home). I don't want to go out and do things to get my mind off of everything else. I don't even really want to talk on the phone. I want to do what I want to do, and I know that sounds selfish, and it is. That's how I'm dealing, though. Let me deal.

Here are the thoughts of the spiritual me, who is on auto pilot right now:

I know God is on the throne. I know He has a plan even though I don't understand it. I know He hurts when I hurt. I know He loves me.

I wish I could tell you why things happen, but I can't. Someday, we will understand, or maybe, at that point, we won't even care. It would be nice to know on this earth, though...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words....
Word of God, speak.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Sorry I've been kind of absent lately (I feel like I say that all the time). The last several months have been really tough ones. I hate saying that they've been bad because honestly, I feel like I've been really blessed. I've never experienced anything too that's terrible in the grand scheme of things.

Honestly, things are still kind of rough here. People keep saying, "Just believe...." and I've been believing, but I was thinking about it last night--the word "Believe", that is. People use it a lot. We (not me specifically, but "we" as humans) believe in Santa Claus, God, reincarnation, karma, etc., etc., etc. We believe that there's nothing to believe in. We believe in ourselves.

Anyways, last night I was praying out loud while I was home alone (Kade was visiting Gramma), and I said, "God, I believe....." And then I stopped. What did I believe? I believe in God. Which means what, exactly? That I believe there is a God? Big whoop, right? A lot of people "believe there's a God".

God already knows I believe in Him, that I believe He's there, that I believe He exists.

Then I realized--not only do I need to believe in God, I need to believe God. Very small word change, but it makes a big difference. Do I believe God? Do I believe Him when He says that He has good plans for my life? Do I believe Him when He says he hears my prayers and that He takes care of me. Do I believe every bit of His Word? If I don't believe Him, then I don't truly believe in Him.

It made a big difference in the way I prayed for the situation and it is making a big difference in my outlook today.

Do you just believe in God, or do you truly believe Him?