Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Security and Control

I love tax refund time. I love to plan where each dollar goes. This much in our savings account, this much in our vacation account, this much in Kade's savings account, this much for home repairs, etc. Of course, this is all with Michael's approval, but I like to be in control of designating it. It makes me feel secure knowing we will have what we need when we need it.


At this point in his life, Kade feels secure (I'm just assuming) because I hold him, play with him, and take care of all his needs. I highly doubt he ever worries about where his next meal will come from or how we will pay for him to go to college. When I lived with my parents, I was never concerned about these things either. I knew my parents would provide them. I knew they loved me and would do whatever it took to give me what I needed and most of what I wanted. When we are young, love is security.

The first time I was really independent, financially, was when I got married. Michael worked, too, but I was bringing in my own income. It was plenty, but I knew that if I blew it on too many things I didn't really need, there wouldn't be enough for the things I did need--food, shelter, and utilities. I had to budget and keep track of what we were spending. I had to make sure we were saving. Have I made it clear yet that I like to be in control? Not in control of my husband, just in control of money and how it is spent. At this point in my life, money feels like security. Not having what I consider to be "enough" makes me feel very insecure and unstable about everything.

I was thinking about this today as I was mentally making yet another list of places to save/wisely spend our refund check and worrying whether it would be "enough".

Ok, I know you're waiting for me to make this into a lesson, right?

Wait for it....
Wait for it....

Why can't we keep that security we felt as children? Why can't we, knowing our heavenly Father loves us, wants us to have the best, and owns the cattle on a thousand hills, rest peacefully in that fact? Why can't we relinquish control and trust that we are going to be taken care of by our heavenly Father?

Oh...we can?

Or maybe it's just me.
Yeah, probably.......

DISCLAIMER: This does not mean you should quit your job, blow your entire life savings on a Winnebago, and travel the United States, trusting that God will send you a check each month to cover the expenses. What I mean is that you are free from obsessing over all the things in this life that make you feel secure. Just so you know.


I've had a lot going on lately, and obviously, blogging hasn't been on the top of my list.

It's not that I don't want to blog. In fact, I love to write and think about doing it everyday. It just seems like all of my other "priorities" get in the way.

I've been trying to figure out this whole SAHM thing. I won't lie; the first several weeks were really tough. I'm used to being around unruly/noisy/lazy/smart/loveable (I had to throw in a few redeeming qualities) teenagers all day. I'm used to pacing a classroom, trying to create intelligent discussions, filling out forms, grading papers. Etc., etc., etc. I'm used to receiving a paycheck.

Now, my day consists of waking up, feeding Kade, hopefully feeding myself, playing with Kade, showering, feeding Kade, putting Kade down for a nap, cleaning or spending a few minutes to myself, feeding Kade, feeding myself, playing with Kade, getting things done around the house, feeding Kade, putting Kade down for a nap.....getting the picture? Don't think I am in any way complaining, but this is actually how my day goes. I am just as busy (probably busier) as I was at "work", but everything is completely different. No adult interaction during the day, no break, no affirmation. Most of the things I do are things I have to do--clean, cook, run errands. I feel very alone sometimes. My husband works very long hours so that I can stay at home, and often, I feel like I'm raising Kade and running the household alone.

I'm here for a reason, though, and every day I'm more convinced of that. God is going to bless me for the sacrifices I'm making. Understand, I'm not making sacrifices intentionally for the purpose of being blessed, but I know that I will be blessed for the sacrifices I am choosing to make.

Meanwhile, to feel more human, I've started to make things I want to do priorities. Not my top priorities, of course. God, Michael, and Kade (in that order) are my top priorities. I realize though, that my gifts, my health, and my happiness should also be on that list.

Thus, today, I blog!

Kade is 6 months old now. He started sitting up 3 weeks ago and he is sorta kinda trying to scoot on his belly. He loves sweet potatoes and carrots, but doesn't seem to like any fruits so far! He is allergic to milk protein, which isn't a big deal for him right now, but it is for his mama, since I haveto refrain from all dairy products. He whispers (yes, whispers) da-da and makes an assortment of other sounds. He will lie in his crib in the morning and talk to himself and blow bubbles. On a good night (which is most of the time) he only wakes up once--to eat--and then goes back to sleep. He still has the blue eyes he has had since birth, which is strange since no one in our immediate families as blue eyes. He also has blonde hair, which isn't so strange since Michael's sister has blonde hair, but I guess I just always expected it to be dark. He was dedicated to the Lord last Sunday morning at church, along with his friend Isabella, who is 3 weeks older. He is a strong, handsome, intelligent, godly boy and I'm proud to have him as my son!

Have I mentioned my awesome, hardworking husband? He hasn't done anything new lately, like learn to sit up or eat solids, but he is still the best, mostly godly, loving man I know (my dad runs a very close second). He does customer service for a water heater company and I love to hear the stories of people he talks to on the phone--sometimes famous people! Lately, we've been working on " cleaving" per our new couples Sunday School class at church. He mentioned in our discussion last week that we are closest, as a couple, when we pray with each other, versus just praying for each other. I have to agree. There's something very powerful about hearing your spouse pray for you, with you! I love you, honey!

Worship has been a big thing in our lives lately. I feel like something is about to break loose in our church and I know it's going to be huge. Everytime we worship, it seems like we are right on the verge of.....of something......I don't know, what. I see people being more obedient and submissive to the Spirit. The Devil has tried to attack our church family this year with sickness, disease, and death, but we have overcome. And we will keep on overcoming.

I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond measure.
My cups overflows!