On November 30, I started writing a post to announce that I was pregnant with baby #2. Two days later, before I was finished typing it up, I had a very early miscarriage. On January 10, I started writing another blog entry (that I was going to post at a later time) announcing that I was once again, pregnant. Three days after that, I began to miscarry again. So that's why, if you didn't already know, all the cryptic talk about going through hard times and believing God anyway.
I don't know why this is happening. Frankly, I don't care, because it wouldn't take away my hurt. I know God will bring something good out of this at some point, but in the here and now--I can't even begin to guess. Reading back over this, I sound really angry. I'm not, though. I'm just sad.
Here are the thoughts of the human, fleshly, physical me:
I am in a funk. I want to spend my time at my house, with my baby (and my hubby, when he's home). I don't want to go out and do things to get my mind off of everything else. I don't even really want to talk on the phone. I want to do what I want to do, and I know that sounds selfish, and it is. That's how I'm dealing, though. Let me deal.
Here are the thoughts of the spiritual me, who is on auto pilot right now:
I know God is on the throne. I know He has a plan even though I don't understand it. I know He hurts when I hurt. I know He loves me.
I wish I could tell you why things happen, but I can't. Someday, we will understand, or maybe, at that point, we won't even care. It would be nice to know on this earth, though...
I'm finding myself at a loss for words....
Word of God, speak.