Sunday, January 23, 2011

I wish I could tell you why...

On November 30, I started writing a post to announce that I was pregnant with baby #2. Two days later, before I was finished typing it up, I had a very early miscarriage. On January 10, I started writing another blog entry (that I was going to post at a later time) announcing that I was once again, pregnant. Three days after that, I began to miscarry again. So that's why, if you didn't already know, all the cryptic talk about going through hard times and believing God anyway.

I don't know why this is happening. Frankly, I don't care, because it wouldn't take away my hurt. I know God will bring something good out of this at some point, but in the here and now--I can't even begin to guess. Reading back over this, I sound really angry. I'm not, though. I'm just sad.

Here are the thoughts of the human, fleshly, physical me:

I am in a funk. I want to spend my time at my house, with my baby (and my hubby, when he's home). I don't want to go out and do things to get my mind off of everything else. I don't even really want to talk on the phone. I want to do what I want to do, and I know that sounds selfish, and it is. That's how I'm dealing, though. Let me deal.

Here are the thoughts of the spiritual me, who is on auto pilot right now:

I know God is on the throne. I know He has a plan even though I don't understand it. I know He hurts when I hurt. I know He loves me.

I wish I could tell you why things happen, but I can't. Someday, we will understand, or maybe, at that point, we won't even care. It would be nice to know on this earth, though...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words....
Word of God, speak.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had something profound to say to you that would make you feel better (physically or spiritually), but I don't. I can say that I too have lost two babies (one at 4 and 1/2 months, one at 8 weeks) and I can tell you though you never stop wondering about them, God will ease the hurt with time. God does have a plan, and though we don't know what it is...I can promise you that it's to prosper you and not to harm you because He promises that in His word. I'll be praying for you Leah. *hugs*